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Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you. . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks, my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We haven't discussed it much outside of family, but finally, I feel it is time to put it out there. I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins when we had a miscarriage in July. We still aren't sure why it happened and neither is my doctor. What we do know is I had a slight fever and pretty severe morning sickness... all... day... long for several weeks. (That was fun!) Because of the severity, my doctor was monitoring my hormone levels, which weren't going up as much as they should. There are a lot of details to the situation that I'll spare you. One thing I want to share is that I do know that the Lord was watching over me the day it happened and weeks following.
The night it began happening, I felt a strong prompting to have Michael give me a blessing. During the blessing, I felt peace and a strong love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father but I also had the impression that I still had something ahead that I should prepare myself to undertake. I started to bleed later that night and thought I had miscarried. We continued to monitor my hormone levels and found I was still pregnant. I rested and ate as much as I could. Then, a week later, I miscarried two little babies. I have had to deal with my fair share of death of loved ones, but this was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life.
I've talked to some who don't understand why it is such a tramatic experience and why it would be so hard to get over. I have determine that, after trying to get pregnant, then finding out you are pregnant, and then in preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye. A friend gave me a couple of great books on the subject. If you know of anyone who has lost a child, may I suggest the book, Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. I've been reading a lot about the subject to try to understand. This particular book is so wonderful. It really helped me to understand why I was so devastatingly sad, that the life of my babies was short but part of a bigger plan, and how I could begin to move forward from the loss. The life of unborn babies is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, whatever age they may be, it is indeed the loss of someone very special.
I may never know in this life the answer to why. For now I can only speculate. Maybe they were too pure for the evils of this world. Maybe they were so righteous that they didn't need to live on this Earth but were promised the blessings of a body. Someday I will be able to see the whole picture of the Lord's eternal plan for us and will gain a better understanding of why this had to happened. There is a scripture that illustrates this so beautifully, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 Until then, what I do know is that we don't have to face things alone. And, although there may be little control over the events that take place in life, Christ provides the power to overcome them.
There is an experience I read by an anonymous woman about her miscarriage that inspires me to strive to have an eternal perspective. She ended her story by saying, "Although the loss of my baby has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life, I have learned to cling to the miracle of his life on this earth. My experience with pregnancy and my brief role in motherhood has brought me closer to heaven than I ever knew was possible. And, indeed, that's where I want to be. For, the way I see it, heaven just needed another angel."
These last weeks have been difficult but I am so grateful for the blessings in my life: My wonderful husband, Michael, who has been so loving, patient and understanding. He is truly the best man I have ever known. I'm grateful for family and friends. I'm grateful for the people the Lord put in my path who have suffered the same fate as I, who shared their grief with me, were there to comfort me, and helped keep me sane. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the whisperings of the Spirit that let me know that I am known and loved by a loving Heavenly Father. I'm grateful for all I have learned through this experience. I know that, as we look through the "glass, darkly", if we reach up and take our Heavenly Father's outstretched hand, He will walk with us in our adversity and will lead us to the light if we will have faith in Him.
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you. . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks, my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We haven't discussed it much outside of family, but finally, I feel it is time to put it out there. I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins when we had a miscarriage in July. We still aren't sure why it happened and neither is my doctor. What we do know is I had a slight fever and pretty severe morning sickness... all... day... long for several weeks. (That was fun!) Because of the severity, my doctor was monitoring my hormone levels, which weren't going up as much as they should. There are a lot of details to the situation that I'll spare you. One thing I want to share is that I do know that the Lord was watching over me the day it happened and weeks following.
The night it began happening, I felt a strong prompting to have Michael give me a blessing. During the blessing, I felt peace and a strong love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father but I also had the impression that I still had something ahead that I should prepare myself to undertake. I started to bleed later that night and thought I had miscarried. We continued to monitor my hormone levels and found I was still pregnant. I rested and ate as much as I could. Then, a week later, I miscarried two little babies. I have had to deal with my fair share of death of loved ones, but this was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life.
I've talked to some who don't understand why it is such a tramatic experience and why it would be so hard to get over. I have determine that, after trying to get pregnant, then finding out you are pregnant, and then in preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye. A friend gave me a couple of great books on the subject. If you know of anyone who has lost a child, may I suggest the book, Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. I've been reading a lot about the subject to try to understand. This particular book is so wonderful. It really helped me to understand why I was so devastatingly sad, that the life of my babies was short but part of a bigger plan, and how I could begin to move forward from the loss. The life of unborn babies is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, whatever age they may be, it is indeed the loss of someone very special.
I may never know in this life the answer to why. For now I can only speculate. Maybe they were too pure for the evils of this world. Maybe they were so righteous that they didn't need to live on this Earth but were promised the blessings of a body. Someday I will be able to see the whole picture of the Lord's eternal plan for us and will gain a better understanding of why this had to happened. There is a scripture that illustrates this so beautifully, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 Until then, what I do know is that we don't have to face things alone. And, although there may be little control over the events that take place in life, Christ provides the power to overcome them.
There is an experience I read by an anonymous woman about her miscarriage that inspires me to strive to have an eternal perspective. She ended her story by saying, "Although the loss of my baby has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life, I have learned to cling to the miracle of his life on this earth. My experience with pregnancy and my brief role in motherhood has brought me closer to heaven than I ever knew was possible. And, indeed, that's where I want to be. For, the way I see it, heaven just needed another angel."
These last weeks have been difficult but I am so grateful for the blessings in my life: My wonderful husband, Michael, who has been so loving, patient and understanding. He is truly the best man I have ever known. I'm grateful for family and friends. I'm grateful for the people the Lord put in my path who have suffered the same fate as I, who shared their grief with me, were there to comfort me, and helped keep me sane. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the whisperings of the Spirit that let me know that I am known and loved by a loving Heavenly Father. I'm grateful for all I have learned through this experience. I know that, as we look through the "glass, darkly", if we reach up and take our Heavenly Father's outstretched hand, He will walk with us in our adversity and will lead us to the light if we will have faith in Him.
