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Just Those Few Weeks
by Susan Erling
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you. . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks, my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We haven't discussed it much outside of family, but finally, I feel it is time to put it out there. I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins when we had a miscarriage in July. We still aren't sure why it happened and neither is my doctor. What we do know is I had a slight fever and pretty severe morning sickness... all... day... long for several weeks. (That was fun!) Because of the severity, my doctor was monitoring my hormone levels, which weren't going up as much as they should. There are a lot of details to the situation that I'll spare you. One thing I want to share is that I do know that the Lord was watching over me the day it happened and weeks following.
The night it began happening, I felt a strong prompting to have Michael give me a blessing. During the blessing, I felt peace and a strong love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father but I also had the impression that I still had something ahead that I should prepare myself to undertake. I started to bleed later that night and thought I had miscarried. We continued to monitor my hormone levels and found I was still pregnant. I rested and ate as much as I could. Then, a week later, I miscarried two little babies. I have had to deal with my fair share of death of loved ones, but this was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life.
I've talked to some who don't understand why it is such a tramatic experience and why it would be so hard to get over. I have determine that, after trying to get pregnant, then finding out you are pregnant, and then in preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye. A friend gave me a couple of great books on the subject. If you know of anyone who has lost a child, may I suggest the book, Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. I've been reading a lot about the subject to try to understand. This particular book is so wonderful. It really helped me to understand why I was so devastatingly sad, that the life of my babies was short but part of a bigger plan, and how I could begin to move forward from the loss. The life of unborn babies is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, whatever age they may be, it is indeed the loss of someone very special.
I may never know in this life the answer to why. For now I can only speculate. Maybe they were too pure for the evils of this world. Maybe they were so righteous that they didn't need to live on this Earth but were promised the blessings of a body. Someday I will be able to see the whole picture of the Lord's eternal plan for us and will gain a better understanding of why this had to happened. There is a scripture that illustrates this so beautifully, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 Until then, what I do know is that we don't have to face things alone. And, although there may be little control over the events that take place in life, Christ provides the power to overcome them.
There is an experience I read by an anonymous woman about her miscarriage that inspires me to strive to have an eternal perspective. She ended her story by saying, "Although the loss of my baby has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life, I have learned to cling to the miracle of his life on this earth. My experience with pregnancy and my brief role in motherhood has brought me closer to heaven than I ever knew was possible. And, indeed, that's where I want to be. For, the way I see it, heaven just needed another angel."
These last weeks have been difficult but I am so grateful for the blessings in my life: My wonderful husband, Michael, who has been so loving, patient and understanding. He is truly the best man I have ever known. I'm grateful for family and friends. I'm grateful for the people the Lord put in my path who have suffered the same fate as I, who shared their grief with me, were there to comfort me, and helped keep me sane. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the whisperings of the Spirit that let me know that I am known and loved by a loving Heavenly Father. I'm grateful for all I have learned through this experience. I know that, as we look through the "glass, darkly", if we reach up and take our Heavenly Father's outstretched hand, He will walk with us in our adversity and will lead us to the light if we will have faith in Him.
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you. . .
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations. . .
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks, my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We haven't discussed it much outside of family, but finally, I feel it is time to put it out there. I was 9 weeks pregnant with twins when we had a miscarriage in July. We still aren't sure why it happened and neither is my doctor. What we do know is I had a slight fever and pretty severe morning sickness... all... day... long for several weeks. (That was fun!) Because of the severity, my doctor was monitoring my hormone levels, which weren't going up as much as they should. There are a lot of details to the situation that I'll spare you. One thing I want to share is that I do know that the Lord was watching over me the day it happened and weeks following.
The night it began happening, I felt a strong prompting to have Michael give me a blessing. During the blessing, I felt peace and a strong love from my Savior and my Heavenly Father but I also had the impression that I still had something ahead that I should prepare myself to undertake. I started to bleed later that night and thought I had miscarried. We continued to monitor my hormone levels and found I was still pregnant. I rested and ate as much as I could. Then, a week later, I miscarried two little babies. I have had to deal with my fair share of death of loved ones, but this was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life.
I've talked to some who don't understand why it is such a tramatic experience and why it would be so hard to get over. I have determine that, after trying to get pregnant, then finding out you are pregnant, and then in preparing to give life, no one prepares to say goodbye. A friend gave me a couple of great books on the subject. If you know of anyone who has lost a child, may I suggest the book, Gone Too Soon by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer. I've been reading a lot about the subject to try to understand. This particular book is so wonderful. It really helped me to understand why I was so devastatingly sad, that the life of my babies was short but part of a bigger plan, and how I could begin to move forward from the loss. The life of unborn babies is truly significant, and when a baby is lost, whatever age they may be, it is indeed the loss of someone very special.
I may never know in this life the answer to why. For now I can only speculate. Maybe they were too pure for the evils of this world. Maybe they were so righteous that they didn't need to live on this Earth but were promised the blessings of a body. Someday I will be able to see the whole picture of the Lord's eternal plan for us and will gain a better understanding of why this had to happened. There is a scripture that illustrates this so beautifully, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12 Until then, what I do know is that we don't have to face things alone. And, although there may be little control over the events that take place in life, Christ provides the power to overcome them.
There is an experience I read by an anonymous woman about her miscarriage that inspires me to strive to have an eternal perspective. She ended her story by saying, "Although the loss of my baby has been the most heartbreaking experience of my life, I have learned to cling to the miracle of his life on this earth. My experience with pregnancy and my brief role in motherhood has brought me closer to heaven than I ever knew was possible. And, indeed, that's where I want to be. For, the way I see it, heaven just needed another angel."
These last weeks have been difficult but I am so grateful for the blessings in my life: My wonderful husband, Michael, who has been so loving, patient and understanding. He is truly the best man I have ever known. I'm grateful for family and friends. I'm grateful for the people the Lord put in my path who have suffered the same fate as I, who shared their grief with me, were there to comfort me, and helped keep me sane. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the whisperings of the Spirit that let me know that I am known and loved by a loving Heavenly Father. I'm grateful for all I have learned through this experience. I know that, as we look through the "glass, darkly", if we reach up and take our Heavenly Father's outstretched hand, He will walk with us in our adversity and will lead us to the light if we will have faith in Him.
9 comments:
Oh Nancy, you are one of the sweetest & strongest people I have ever met. You Ellisons are a strong bunch of people, and I'm so glad I have been able to get to know you!
I'm so sorry you're going through this at this time. Infertility and miscarriages are such a struggle, and one that's made even harder by those who don't understand it and even worse who aren't sympathetic.
You are such a beautiful woman and I love reading your blog. You are a total inspiration to me!
I'm not always great with words, but I found this beautiful poem and I wanted to share it with you. I love you Nancy and I think you are a wonderful and beautiful person.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Oh Nancy, I am so sorry! I love you so much. You are such a strong and wonderful person. I may not understand how you are feeling or what you are going though, but know that I do love you very, very much! Also, what a blessing it is to have a kind, loving husband and a great family to support you!
Thanks so much for all the kind and loving words here and via email! I really do have the best friends ever! Thanks so much for your support and friendship. It means more than you will ever know! :]
Oh Nancy (and Michael), I am SO sorry to hear about your loss! It breaks my heart. Please know that you and Michael will be in our prayers!
Oh I'm so sad for you and Michael! What a difficult thing, to err grossly on the side of understatement. Hugs to you both. I'm glad you have felt comfort through this.
Nancy, I'm so sorry about your loss. The idea of babies are so fun, but twins! I cannot understand your sorrow, but I wish you peace and consolation. I'm glad to hear you've felt peace, love, and comfort thus far. I too wish that we had a more clear perspective of eternity. I love the poems. If you ever need to talk, I have a listening ear. Much love!
Nancy- just read this. I may never know the pain you are going through but a few weeks ago I taught the Joseph Smith lesson on losing a child. It was a difficult lesson to teach for me because I knew a lot of people in relief society who had lost a child- some full term. But I will say what was in that lesson was beautiful- so if you haven't read it already, I think you would find a lot of comfort in what it has to say. It is chapter 14 in the Teachings of Joseph Smith book. One of the quotes I liked was "You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing your children after their resurrection, until they reach the full stature of their spirits..." Your family will be in my prayers, Nancy. You are blessed to be the mother of two very precious souls who were too pure to have to endure this life on earth. That is a bitter-sweet blessing.
I echo all the words of your friends above. I so love and admire you for so many reasons that you aren't even aware of. I'm grateful the Lord put you in our path. Your experiences and the eloquent words that you share will no doubt help others who have their own struggles and pain. I wish you were closer so I could give you a big hug! But I do hope you can feel my love from across the miles.
Robin
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